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Sam Bloom's Story
I grew up during the Great Depression in Lansdale, Pennsylvania. We were poor, but I had a happy family life. When I was in high school, I met Lois, and fell in love with her. It's been that way between us ever since. I was 21 when we got married, and Lo was a bit younger. After my stint in the army, I moved along in my career riding the wave of the computer industry growth, as tabulating turned to data processing, then to computer programming and product planning. I was very fortunate in my career.
Sammy was born in 1959. Twenty two months later, Suzanne was born, and Lisa followed after another eleven months. Looking back on those years, having our kids was the most important and fun time of our lives.
In 1967, my company transferred me to Los Angeles. We found a home on the Palos Verdes Peninsula where the schools were good. Our kids adjusted well to their new environment. Sammy was a very active, happy kid. He was well liked and had many friends. He teased Lisa unmercifully but also protected her. Suzanne and he were sibling rivals from a scholastic achievement point of view. In high school he took up golf and worked part-time at the local municipal course. When I came home from work, he'd describe to me all 80 golf strokes he made in his game that day and we'd go outside so I could watch him practice his swing. Most years the two of us would go backpacking together and we'd fish and talk a lot. It was fun for both of us. After Sammy graduated from high school, he continued his education at El Camino Community College, where he played on the golf team. After graduating from El Camino, he transferred to Long Beach State University (LBSU). During his first semester he struggled with concentration and began questioning his theology. After failing a test because he didn't complete it a professor suggested he see a school counselor.
Several days before his appointment Sammy's roommate called and told us he had left a strange note and was gone. For the next couple of weeks family and friends searched for him. It was frightening; we didn't know what to do, or who to turn to for help. Three weeks later Sammy called us from Roma, Texas, where he'd gone with a religious cult. He wanted to come home so I flew to Texas and brought him home. He returned confused, depressed and a very different person. One evening Sammy became paranoid and suicidal, I tried to reason with him but you can't reason with someone who is psychotic. The next day we took him to the Neuropsychiatric Institute (NPI) at the UCLA Medical Center where they diagnosed him with a reactive psychosis caused by his experiences with the cult. The doctors started him on a course of treatment which was difficult because he had severe reactions to most of the medications. Sammy was at NPI for three months. When released he moved back home and commuted to LBSU taking just a few classes. It was difficult for Sammy to reconnect with his friends; they sensed a big change in him. He was sad and very lonely. We contacted his friends and they did play tennis and went to movies but they were young and didn't know how to react to Sammy's mental illness.
Late one night in early December while I was out of town at a convention, Lo called to tell me Sammy told her he was thinking of killing himself. I flew home the next morning and spent the day with him. Meanwhile, Lo called Sammy's psychiatrist relaying what Sammy had told her. The doctor said she was overreacting. Lo requested an appointment ASAP but he said he had no openings until the following week. We were apprehensive about waiting so long for an appointment but didn't know what else to do.
I spent that day with Sammy. By the weekend he appeared somewhat better. It wasn't until later we learned from suicide experts that sometimes those planning suicide show signs of relief directly before their suicide because they believe their emotional pain will end soon. At our meeting with the psychiatrist he reiterated what he had told Lo on the phone and said he saw no reason for concern. I was relieved but Lo left his office troubled, unsure what to do.
The following Monday morning Lo and I hugged Sammy goodbye before leaving for work. We didn't know then that it would be the last time we would see him alive. That night Sammy didn't come home. At 9 p.m. the police sergeant came to our house. He asked us to sit down and proceeded to tell us Sammy had driven his car off a 350 foot cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and had died. We were devastated.
Grieving after such a sudden and horrific death is so difficult. There's no preparation for it. At first I was too stunned to feel the full brunt of my grief. Lo was a mess; I didn't know how to help her. The therapist we saw was extremely helpful. He suggested we stop giving each other advice and actively listen to one another. That assisted us as did the survivor support group we attended. Fortunately, Lo and I always had a good relationship. Furthermore, we had support from our family and friends. After working at our grief for some time the good memories of Sammy returned and the horrific memories of his suicide lessened.
I believe God helps us with grief, not by taking our pain away but by helping us endure it. We humans have a strong urge to remain connected to our loved ones, even after they are gone. We try to integrate some things about them into our own persons. Sammy died in 1982, but my son is very much alive within me. I often talk to him. If I see something I want to share, I'll say, "Sammy, you ought to see this." I still visualize him practicing his golf swing.
Every survivor has to make a choice about what to do following such a terrible tragedy. A year after Sammy's suicide we decided to volunteer with Suicide Survivor Support Groups. Lo wrote a 24-page handbook for survivors that has sold over 36,000 copies. Eventually our volunteer work led us to SPAN USA. It is such important work. Preventing suicide takes a political will that doesn't yet exist nationally or in our individual states. If there are 100 steps to get us there we've reached ten, thanks to the efforts of SPAN. But we can't stop at ten. We need to reach out as individuals, to listen to each other, and join together to influence our national and state legislatures to put programs into place to prevent suicide. There is so much to do, and those of us who have been deeply affected by the suicide of a loved one and those interested in helping are the best ones to do this work.
We'll always love and miss Sammy, but we feel he would not want us to not linger in the valley. Rather, he would encourage us to help survivors and do everything we could to prevent suicide.
Sam Bloom as told to Julie Heifetz
Read another survivor's story, by Sandy Martin.
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