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Mary's Story
On Thursday afternoon, October 6, 2005, I lost my daughter, Jen, to suicide at the age of 33. During her high school and college years Jen was member of the national honor society and an accomplished flute player winning national honors. She studied and taught in Spain and Germany and as a result she was fluent in both languages. She was also passionate environmentalist and lover of the earth as shown by her beautiful gardens. Above all she was a person filled with kindness and compassion as shown in her tireless work with the poor and disadvantaged.
She also deeply struggled for almost half of her life with chronic depression and overwhelming anxiety. Our family and other professionals worked together with her through the very dark times she experienced. I have come to realize that suicide is the most misunderstood of all illnesses. I now know that she did not feely chose to end her life. Suicide is not about ending your life – it is about ending your pain (usually emotional and physical pain).
Over time, I slowly started to realize that I was paying little honor to her and her influence on my life. In the early weeks, my emotional state was such that I was labeling, unintentionally, her life’s touch on mine more as destruction, allowing no chance or opportunity for life or love to shine through. I reached out for help from others, acknowledging my obligation to keep a connection with my daughter and to keep up my strength for her seven (7) siblings and six (6) grandchildren. I sought my recovery and life as my duty to her legacy of goodness and grace. In the months that followed, I was fortunate discover a pathway toward healing. I discovered that I needed to seek healing for more than just my daughter but to extend that obligation for myself, my family and for all of those in our communities who are suffering from mental illness or have lost someone to suicide.
The road to healing is not easy, but few worthwhile things in our lives are easy. And I need remind myself from time to time, that healing really is not nearly as difficult as the task I have already met, the hour of my daughter’s death and the weeks immediately following.
Yet, I have found that there comes a time on the healing pathway where decisions and commitments to the future are possible, frequently necessary. I have found my commitment in working with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention through the development of ND Chapter, the ND Out of the Darkness Community Walks and my commitment to helping other survivors to be one of the most meaningful directions that my life has taken. My daughter brought joy into my life and the memory of that joy will continue in my heart and in my work – it will ever be. I have asked God to use me as a way to remember her and continue helping, in any that I can, those who are hurting and in need of support and understanding. For the love of my children and grandchildren and their love for my husband and me shall not perish, nor pass away, or ever die. For love knows no season, nor comings or goings. It is here always and shall remain.
As Joan Chittister says in her book “Called to Question.”
“Darkness, I have discovered, is the way we come to see. It gives us the sensitivity it takes to understand the depth of the pain in others. It creates the depressions that once faced, teach us to trust. It seeds in us the humility it takes to learn to live gently with the rest of the universe. It opens us to new possibilities within ourselves.”
I will continue to do everything I can to end the stigma that surrounds suicide by bringing suicide awareness, education and prevention to the communities in our state, advocating for federal and state policy changes and provide support for survivors of suicide loss in order to save lives.