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Shannon's Story
I signed up for the 2010 Public Policy Legislation Institute on what would have been my son’s 31st birthday. In his suicide note he said, “I wish I was an alcoholic or a dope head, but instead, I was born suicidal. I have thought about killing myself since I was 12, the thoughts have always been there, they never go away completely.”
Seven years later, I keep Kerry’s wallet, and all of its original contents, sealed in a Ziploc bag. It still smells of worn leather and stale, Marlboro Reds.
He had $137.00 inside his billfold, along with four photo's of his year-old son Jackson.
Kerry saved his ATM receipts. His last withdrawal of $20.00, left him a balance of $587.81. A double folded metro north train receipt shows he and a friend rode from Greenwich, Connecticut to Grand Central Station - one way, off peak. In the center of his wallet, directly behind his drivers license, was a Chinese, "Good Luck" red envelope with his name written on it.
To the side he tucked a few business-cards from notable people or places he had been, along with an original copy of his fiancé’s, second trimester sonogram - a first glimpse at his son, in utero, sucking his thumb.
He kept proof of pensive purchases made in the days leading up to his death. On one of the receipts, cashier Marnie noted that it was "a pleasure to serve him.” A drug store receipt proves his intent to obtain over the counter sleeping pills. At 12:14 am, less than two hours before his recorded time of death, he spent $31.77 on two, 32-capsule packages of rapid release Unisom, and one, 72-capsule package of quick release Nytol. No one questioned this distraught young man as he handed the cashier, two - twenty dollar bills and said, “keep the change.”
The day before, Connecticut held a lotto drawing worth 6 million dollars. Kerry purchased two, $5.00 quick picks - which tells me that, on this day, the day before he chose death over life, he was hopeful.
For some, suicide is a sudden act. For others it is a haunting, never ending state of mind. For many it is both - an impulsive rage during a deep span of hopelessness.
It is hard to understand the concept of suicide if you are not a survivor, or if you, yourself, have not suffered from suicidal thoughts. Prior to his death, the idea of Kerry - a bright, kind, sensitive, successful, loving being - ending his life, was unimaginable to me. My personal mission now, is to lift the shadow of secrecy and isolation that surrounds mental illness, and move it into the light
Jackson, Kerry’s son, recently asked me if his father was a soldier. I told him that, although he was not serving in the military, his opponent was very powerful, and that he fought with great courage and strength.
Kerry ended his suicide note with the following statement...
“You all gave me so much love, and I am very luck, and I love you all so much, but it hurts right now. It really, really hurts, and the love doesn't make it go away. I am so sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I just can't believe in myself. I love you All. Please only tell Jackson the good things about me. I did have some good. I promise."
Dear Kerry, my beautiful son, your goodness shines as brightly today as it did the day you were born, and I promise to tell the world.