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Diane's Story
Emily L. Saslow 1979-2005.
A daughter, a sister, cousin and a friend to many. Emily was the one who was always smiling and laughing in any picture that was taken of her. She is also the one in the group who lived with unrelenting mental illness; an illness she fought against for most if not all of her 26 years. Looking back on Emily’s life I can now see incidents that were greatly out of wack with “normal behavior”. We knew she was troubled and ill but we never were aware of how deeply ill she was.
Apparently what allowed Emily to survive were her academic studies. She excelled at school, but had a tough time with daily life and interactions with people. Yes, she hid it well, what strength it must have taken. I remember acknowledging her often for the fortitude that it must have taken for her to just get through each day. But now I know I had no clue
Emily’s completed suicide was done with great intention. It was not a gesture gone awry. At 26 years old she wanted out of this life and she researched the methods that would allow her to leave.
The horror of what she did is still settling into my brain and heart and it has been almost 5 years since she died. As her mother, how could I have missed the signs? And really, what kind of a mother am I – one who could not prevent the death of my daughter who I love more than life it. What do I do with the guilt and the blame that rides on my shoulders every minute of every day? While I do believe that we see others’ depressions through our own eyes, how do I forgive myself for not being able to discern that Emily’s was so much more profound than my own?
These are just some of the questions and concerns that survivors of suicide are left with when their loved ones die. The ripples of a suicide are very far reaching and while the person who has suicided is out of his/her pain, those left behind struggle with their sadness, guilt, grief loss and unanswered questions forever. I have taken to referring to Emily’s death as “when or since Emily left” because she did……….leave me, her father, her brother, her relatives and her many friends. Friends who were quite surprised and shocked that she was “so depressed”.
Emily made her way brilliantly through school, college and law school. Yes, she left us but she also left what the learned doctors and suicidologists tell us is psychological and emotional pain at such an intense level that those who live without mental illness have no point of reference for it. And yes, I am aware and do understand (as much as a rational person can) that a suicidal mind is not thinking clearly, but is trying to end the horrible, horrible pain.
Emily died from a disease. Just like people who die from cancer or heart ailments. She fought valiantly most likely since she was two or three years old against the illness. She had therapy, she was medicated. A wise older friend told me that “sometimes the medicines stop working and maybe that is what happened to Emily, the medicines combating the depression stopped working”.
This plea is for money to flow to the researchers and organizations, like AFSP, working to find the “whys” of mental illness and trying to find ways to identify those people who may be suicidal and find ways to help them see that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The government needs to develop programs and ways for scientists to be able to study the mind and the research needs to be funded at the level that research for diabetes, cancer, heart ailments and many other diseases are funded. The recent passage of the parity bill in Congress is a beginning. There is much more to do.