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Bethany's Story
What I remember about the morning of June 25, 1998... It was a beautiful summer day. Perfect. The sky was bright and the temperature was perfect. It was one of those rare, perfect days that makes everyone want to be outside. I had taken the day off to spend the day with my 9 month old daughter. I remembered thinking that I felt so peaceful and so happy. My father had called earlier in the morning, leaving a message, and I had not called him back yet. I thought, before I leave, I better just call and say “hi.”
“Jennifer’s gone. She left us last night.” Two sentences that changed everything. Jennifer, my 22 year old sister, had completed the act of suicide the night before. I remembered thinking that he was not telling the truth, that it was a lie, that it wasn’t her, that at 22 she just ran-away, anything except that she was dead. It was surreal. However, looking back on that time, it was not surprising. There were so many signs that were leading up to this, but the actual act, the finality of the act, was, and still is shocking to me.
According to the police report, the conductor of the train could see her looking at the train and then stepping onto the tracks. My beautiful sister chose to kill herself in a way that was so violent to me, even 12 years later it sickens me. And, because of the method that she chose, she involved more than just herself, her family- she involved a person that was just doing his job and the emergency crews that had to come to the scene. Her death had to have a ripple effect on those that had never even met her.
Jennifer was beautiful, stunning. She was also funny, smart and caring. She cared deeply about so many things. She had goals to be a special education teacher. She was in college and had so many things that she wanted to achieve. She loved her family- her mother, her stepfather, her younger brother, her nieces and her extended family. She craved being with them. She was an amazing human being.
She also was someone that suffered from depression since her early teens. She had been hospitalized for depression in the past and struggled with it throughout the years. She would become smothered by her depression and this girl that could be so full of life would become consumed with this depression and unable to function. She struggled to appear “ok”, to appear that she was “functioning ok” but she lived knowing that her depression could resume at any time and like a person drowning, she would have to fight her way back to the surface.
Prior to losing Jennifer, suicide had never been a part of my life, and for a period of time, suicide, and living around Jennifer’s death became my family’s life. We stopped existing at this time and everything changed. Losing Jennifer changed our family in ways that we were never able to recover from.
I became involved with suicide prevention services out of the desire, a need for Jennifer’s suicide to make a difference and to ensure that she is not forgotten. I could not allow this to have happened and not use it to make a difference. I could not live knowing that other families could be saved from the pain mine has needlessly suffered. So I learned about depression, suicide and its devastating effects. I have worked in the mental health field for over 15 years. I do it to honor my sister and to prevent someone else from making the devastating choice. In the United States, every 16 minutes someone completes the act of suicide, it is the third leading cause of death among young people and it can be prevented
Jennifer wanted to make positive changes in this world, but due to her depression, was unable to while she was alive. We now have a chance to help her make the difference that she wanted to see in the world.